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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Self-Laid Bricks of Fury

Uniform Resource Identifier or,
Unclefucking Retarded Internet

This is a blog post you are reading, got that? In a blog, some undereducated dick-drip like myself spouts off bullshit about which no one gives two licks of a mole-rat's foreskin. Bloggers also end their sentences awkwardly and rack up plenty of participles, dangling like oh so many dingleberries at Stiletto's. Also a lot of annoying alliteration and sentence fragments.

Wikipedia is a collaborative project towards a user-contributed encyclopedia. It certainly isn't the first one, but despite a rabid legion of Wikipedians dedicated to correct and delete articles it quickly became the Liberal Media's punching bag: the fetid "evening news" programs started informing the hoi polloi that teachers don't want their students to simply print out Wikipedia articles with their names on top: this humble observer thinks the teachers should have been glad that they were being saved the strain of figuring out how far down the Google results the kids went to arrange their mashup of poorly cited made up info. Anyway the point is that now we have buzzwords hanging off of everyone's lips reminiscent of that recent dose of Herpecil.

Enter Your Humble Narrator (pictured). I know well enough that any heavy-breathing funseeker can smear the Cheetos off his hands and onto his greezy black shirt so as to squirt out an entry, but I still consult it for quick, non life-threatening data. I saw a History Channel program about candy, and the chocolate bar segment brought back years of memories from my tenuous relationship with Krackel. I resolved to find out once and for all why NeoConservatives don't want me to have chocolate.

Picture my dismay, then, as I made a critical mistake: I had Google and not the venerable W selected in my Firefox searchbar, and feeling lazy I just clicked on one of the first links GOOG spat at me.


The fourth word made me pause, and I should have known not to continue. Alas, I am a hopeless moron and read it all the way through.

I began convulsing in anger as a gutteral voice emanated from deep within my voice-bowels: "GET A FUCKING BLOG YOU DAMAGED SOULSUCKER!!"

Sorry; in retrospect you would'a got a metric fuckton more out of this whole Internet thing had you spent all of this time beating off.


Blogger Orgum said...

That Lezporn pic with the chick getting her mouth spread like Goatse's pucker is going to be my new blogger icon. It was going to be before I saw your link to it, but still. Classic.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Addison said...

Put a damn update in place already!

11:59 AM  

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